Allgemein » Once you realize that your adolescent

Motivating Underachievers: When Your Child Says I Don't Care Family Articles | February 26 Cam Atkinson Youth Jersey , 2011
Are you facing the new school year with dread because you have an unmotivated or underachieving teen or pre-teen? Is your child?s answer to everything, ?I don?t care? or ?It doesn?t matter?? In Part I of this two-part series, James Lehman, MSW explains why your child does have motivation?and how you can coach them to better behavior.

The first thing to understand about teens and pre-teens who seem to have no motivation is this simple truth: It's impossible to have no motivation. Everybody is motivated?it just depends on what they?re motivated to do. I think it's helpful to see that rather than being unmotivated, these kids are actually motivated to not perform and to resist their parents. In other words Alexander Wennberg Youth Jersey , they?re motivated to do nothing.



Parents often think that if they can find a new way to encourage their child, he or she will magically start achieving more. I don't think it's like that at all. In fact, I think the problem is that these kids are motivated to resist, withdraw and under-perform. In effect, instead of acting out Zach Werenski Youth Jersey , they?re acting in.


Think of lack of motivation as an action problem?and the action is to resist. These kids are making excuses; they?re pushing their parents away. At school, they?re motivated to resist studying and homework. They're also motivated to resist their teachers. Look at it this way: these kids are motivated to say ?I don?t care,? either with their words or with their actions. They?re saying those words; they?re telling you what they?re doing?they?re not caring.


How Can Parents Motivate Their Teen or Pre-teen?
Once you realize that your adolescent is motivated to do nothing, it will become obvious to you right away that he actually puts a lot of energy into doing that ?nothing.? He puts a lot of energy into resisting you, to withdrawing from you Sergei Bobrovsky Youth Jersey , to making complaints. When you talk to an adolescent who's an underachiever, what you hear are a lot of errors in thinking. ?I can't; it?s too hard; it doesn't matter; I don?t care.? In fact, ?I don?t care? is their magic wand and their shield?it takes off pressure and makes them feel in control all at the same time. The words ?I don?t care? empower them. When they start feeling anxious about their place in life, it soothes them to say it doesn?t matter; they use it like a soporific or a drug. ?I don?t care? also helps them deal with their anxiety. Fear of failure? ?I don?t care.? It's hard to do? ?I don?t care.? It dismisses everything.


Frankly, you can't make your child care. Let?s be honest Artemi Panarin Youth Jersey , the old saying, ?You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink? is true. But understand that while we can?t make our kids drink, we can certainly try to make them thirsty.


9 Ways to Get through to Your Underachieving Child or Teen


Look at What Your Child Likes: Look for things that can be used as rewards for your child. Make a point of observing what your child likes and enjoys now. And don't take his word for it; he'll tell you he doesn't care about anything; that ?nothing matters.? But look at his actions?if he watches a lot of TV, plays on the computer Seth Jones Youth Jersey , if he likes video games or texting, you know what he likes. Ask yourself: does he like going to the movies? Does he like going fishing? Does he like taking walks? Take an inventory of the things he enjoys and write it all down on a piece of paper. (While I usually recommend that parents sit down with their kids and draw up this list together, in the case of kids who tend to withhold, I don?t think it?s a good idea. Don't ask a child who uses passive aggressive behavior; because he won?t tell you?remember, withholding is his way of maintaining control.) Later Anthony Duclair Womens Jersey , you can use these things as incentives.


Take the Goodies out of His Room: I think underachieving kids should not have a lot of goodies in their rooms. Look at it this way: their room is just a place for them to withdraw. If you have a child who holes up in his bedroom, the computer should be in the living area?and if he's going to use it, he should be out there with other people. He also shouldn?t have a TV or video games in his room, and if he?s not performing, don?t let him have his cell phone Josh Anderson Womens Jersey , either.


I also want to be clear and state that it?s important to realize that there's a difference between being motivated to do nothing and being completely withdrawn. A child who won?t attend to his work or do his chores is different from someone who's depressed. If your child won't come out of his room, doesn?t seem to care no matter what you take away, and is often isolated and withdrawn, you have to take that seriously and seek professional help.


Make Sure everything is Earned Each Day: I think that you have to hold unmotivated kids accountable. Make sure everything is earned. Life for these guys should be one day at a time. They should have to earn video games every day. And how do they earn them? By doing their homework and chores. They earn their cell phone today and then start over tomorrow. Let me be clear: for these kids, Mom should hold the phone.